She had that sinking feeling
of dying
Dying again
Cut to ribbons
with brutal honesty
exquisitely packaged in
frozen Gemini ice
to celebrate another ceremony
'tropical torture day'
Grief invades her
like a night army
creeping stealthily across the plain
obliterating all the escape routes
Nothing
can stem this flow
of torrential tears
or ford the raging river
of offense
Nothing
C'est la guerre!
Guerre il est! A very nice piece. It reads beautifully, my only suggestion, and just because that is the gig this week, is the word dying back to back. I think maybe just having that line read, Again, would still make the point. I loved the images and never say die mentality. Superb job.
ReplyDeletePleased to meet you, Rallentanda, via d’Verse Poets’ Pub.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your poem, especially “frozen Gemini ice” and “tropical torture day.” And here’s my critique:
Title: Effective alliteration and consonance; the connection with wild weather -- and it sometimes making us crazy -- as well as the parallel to Hurricane Irene, drew me in.
S1L1: Consider a different word for “sinking” since “sinking feeling” is quite common
S1L3: Like the repetition of “dying” with a capital “D”
S2L2: Consider a different word for “brutal” since “brutal honesty” is used a lot
S2L6: Do you need quotes around “tropical torture day”?
S3L1-2: Like
S3L3: Since “creeping” and “stealthily” are similar in meaning, so consider dropping one; “creeping” doesn’t fit the image of “army” as much as “stealthily.” How about this? “stepping stealthily” or “moving stealthily ”? Include a comma after “plain”
S4: Strong, especially “torrential tears.” The only thing I would add is a dash after “offense”
S5: Not sure about the last line. I know what it means in French/English; looking forward to seeing what other readers think.
Respectfully,
Geoff
The poem, too, is exquisitely packaged. For all that it has a lot of punch. Which is to say I think it splendid. The two central stanzas are the powerhouse as see it, the third being the jewel in the crown. The first I see as a valuable intro'. About the last I cannot make up my mind. The metaphors do not seem to carry the thought forward, but I can see that much would be lost without it. I am afraid I am a bit of a failure as a critic. The poem's fine. Don't listen to me!
ReplyDeleteI like the "...dying/Dying..." It creates greater emphasis. The last line is interesting. Without it, there would be much greater finality. With it, one gets a sense of continuation, that this "war" is an ongoing condition. I also agree with the note above that the third stanza is excellent. I admire the sparse economy of the writing. You impart a great deal of meaning without distractive decoration. I enjoyed seeing this.
ReplyDeletepowerful piece this.
ReplyDeleteThis is so powerful, Rall
ReplyDeleteMerci Henri et bienvenue to my blog. I am pleased that you support a warrior mentality:)
ReplyDeleteGeoff,I did not read the blurb ..had no idea that this was a critique(otherwise would have not have submitted a poem)Glad I did and chuffed that you put so much effort into your response.Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteDave,am flattered that a poet of your calibre has responded so favourably to my work.Thank you.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my blog Steve and thank you for your generous comment.
ReplyDeleteSheilagh and Uma. Thanks. That Rall sure packs a poetic wallop when she gets fired up:)
ReplyDeletelove your blog, talented posts.
ReplyDeleteYou write fabulous stories,
Please check out short story slam week 9 today.
Hope to see you around.
Best!
xoxox