Dr. Ruth's 10 Point Recipe for a Sex Poem

1. No mention of cars
Cars have been done to death

2. Buttocks must quiver.
Big ones should resemble blancmange
Small firm ones should resemble marble

3. Sound effects to infuse arses with southern charm
( not to be confused with Antipodean charm)
could be whirling water or steamboat whistles

4. Hot weather is always sexy. Use of sweat (must be beads)
or drenched t shirts clinging to rosy pink erect nipples is always good

5. Sea terminology such as the crashing of waves, being sucked out by the current,
the tide coming in, going out, the slight turn of the crest before the waves crashes down
whirling you about in a tumble spin

6. Nude bathing, languid floating with a lot of draped seaweed and slow moving crabs amongst
hot rocks at high noon

7. Watch Italian movie for inspiration 'Travolti da un insolito destino nell'azzurro mare d'agosto'
or anything French. Any words whispered in either of these languages in flagrante delicto
is a plus.

8 Use of food terminology such as shrivelled radish, limp old carrot found at the back of the
fridge, rock melons, ripe mango flesh, sea water oysters or a thick hard zucchini is always
suggestive

9. If you wish to introduce humour use unlikely sex aids such as mortgage application forms,
ear trumpets, French horns and hair nets

10. We are a visually dependent society, so a visit to the dress department is probably in order:
Vicar and tarts, nurse and policeman outfits are passe. Kilts and Miss Piggy outfits are
popular. Also Elvis Presley (but only if you can sing), Gorilla and jungle animals have always
been favourites of mine, in particular the carpet python and the sabre toothed albino rat

WARNING If after administering the above ten points, no response can be discerned in the other party,check for pulse and then call an ambulance.

PS If this is all too much and the reader becomes hot and bothered and decides not to write a sex poem I recommend a nice hot cup of tea, put your feet up and watch the 'Barchester Chronicles'